Caroline Moore Photography

We’re taking a break from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this interview with John Cheese. Disclaimer: while this interview is f-bomb free, the rest of John’s writing is not (and actually contains some really creative swearing). So if that’s not your thing, maybe don’t check out any of the links on this one.

I’ve long complained that Cracked ruins my productivity, with its hilarious writing and its addictive list format (really, they could post “10 Worst Haircuts of the Ottoman Empire” and I’d read the hell out of it). My graduate thesis probably would have been written a lot quicker if that site didn’t exist. A few days ago, John (who writes for said time-sucking site) posted an open invitation for interviews. Since he’s written a few articles about weddings (“5 Questions You Need to Ask to Avoid Ruining Your Life”, “5 Reasons marriage Scares Men (Aren’t What You Think)”), and is getting married next year himself, I figured I’d send a few questions his way.

A proposal via comedy article is a little out of the norm (“5 Ways You Know its Time to Get Married”). Have any other cool ideas for proposals?

I’m a little odd in that category because I’m not the most romantic guy. All I can think of at the moment would be to key it on the side of her car. Maybe spray paint a threat on the trunk: “Think hard about your answer…”

What do you really like about weddings?

As I guy, I’m required by law to not like anything about them. And all joking aside, I can’t think of anything at all that I like about one. They’re showy. You’re stuffed into a room with dozens up on dozens of people you only see a couple of times a year (and there’s usually a reason for that). Everyone is dressed in outfits that are uncomfortable and hot. Kids are restless. Babies are crying during the parts where everyone is supposed to be quiet. The mere fact that there are parts that require complete silence. Everything has to be done in a specific order, and it all costs more than any average person can reasonably afford.

The whole thought of a marriage is just a complete nightmare to men.

What do you wish people would stop doing at weddings?

I wish they’d stop requiring set-in-stone traditions. Just let us show up in what’s comfortable, do the vows, and be done with the whole thing. I understand that there’s a production involved, and very few women just want to go to the courthouse and sign some papers. But turning it into a huge production on par with Broadway musicals, complete with props… that just seems silly and unnecessary to me.

Best advice you could give someone planning a wedding?

Let the bride do it all. This is her day. She’s the centerpiece. If she wants you in a bright pink tuxedo, you just nod and tell her that’s a wonderful idea. The guys are there to make the commitment and start their new lives together with their new bride. Women are there for the same, but the ceremony itself is important to them. It just simply isn’t the same for men.

Any great tips for writing toasts?

Don’t turn it into a standup routine or a roast. Most people aren’t naturally funny, and it just comes across goofy and awkward. Keep it short, sweet, and honest. You don’t have to be poetic. You just have to be real.

It’s easy for people to get wrapped up in the ceremony, and forget about the whole marriage part that follows. What’s your best advice for newlyweds?

Talk. All the time. If something is bothering you, the worst thing you can do is fold your arms, head to the bedroom, and shut the door. That’s not the way adults function, and it’s the quickest path to divorce. It’s what sets the ball rolling, and once that thing starts, it’s almost impossible to stop. Talking gets things out in the open. Most of the time, the other person doesn’t even know there’s anything wrong to begin with.

I also get a good bit of other photographers that read the blog, and most work from home as you do, so I had a few questions for them. What’s the hardest thing about working from home, and how do you combat that?

Keeping yourself ahead of your deadline is hard. It requires you to rely on your own willpower, which not a lot of people can do. It’s easy to get distracted. Those days that everyone has gone through, where they’re at the office, and they would give anything to just call it a day and head home… you still have those days when you work from home. And without a boss there to keep you on track, it’s incredibly easy to just walk away from your task and lay around on the couch.

The only way to combat it is to force yourself to grit your teeth and keep going. Set a schedule for yourself, and stick to it. You’re the boss when you work from home. Be as hard on yourself as you’d be on your employees. If not, it will fail, miserably, and you’ll find yourself having to take a real-world job, working for someone else. Most people need a boss because their willpower isn’t strong enough to work from home.

I’m a big fan of personal projects, as a creative process. What side projects are you working on now?

I’m writing a book right now, but that won’t be out of the draft stage for another couple of months. I’m hoping to have something to show people by the end of the year, but I’ve never taken on a project this big before. I have no idea how the timetables work.

How did you get into writing freelance, have you always worked that way?

Until Cracked, I always wrote for free. Just me and a website, doing whatever I wanted without the benefit of an editor. I sold two pieces to National Lampoon several years ago (those articles are no longer online — for whatever reason, they purged all of their older articles quite some time ago), but other than that, it’s always just been me entertaining myself and then showing it to other people.

When Cracked started paying me for my articles, that was my first taste of making money for writing. And when they offered me a weekly column spot, I was blown away. Still am.

Many thanks to John for doing the interview. He actually brought up some things about wedding-related hoopla that I’ve talked about here before, and that some other wedding photographers have gotten a lot of flack for writing about. It’s easy to get caught up in what you’re supposed to be doing, what people expect you do do, that other couple who is totally upstaging you with their wedding plans. If you wind up married at the end of the day, then you did it right. But maybe don’t take him up on that car-keying suggestion.

If you’re set on ignoring my language disclaimer, you can check out John’s tumblr, twitter, and articles on Cracked.